because · i · could · never · plan · for · this · to · happen

it's amazing how things come into your life at the right moments. they may be cheesy to an extent, but mierda, lo tengo.

tu':que tienes?
mi:FUERTE!
tu':por quien?
mi:mismo!
tu':cuando?
mi:con corazon todos, la vida yo vive' fui mas dificil, pero por un razon. ahora, yo se la razon. en mi vida, mi familia salidan. tuve' nunca pero mismo. a veces, yo quiero a morir. a veces, yo se que mejor.

it's amazing how easily people would rather gossip, spread rumors, and focus on the parts of you they judge as wrong as opposed to see what you have done with your life. i've listed a number of things i have accomplished within myself and what was targeted wasn't anything i had done, ever.

there are some people in this world that want to live in a world of ignorance. you cannot have a relationship with someone who won't address the past and be willing to forgive and move on. ironically, this goes with the "elephant in the room" phrase.

when i tried having a relationship with my mother, i wanted to resolve past issues because you can never earn trust if you do not discuss these things. my mother wanted a surface relationship--she did not want to be there for her daughter and still does not. through all the times when a daughter needed guidance, care, and comfort as an adult; i did not receive that.

i came to the realization tonight that neither one of my parents want anything to do with me. my father who is slowly committing suicide, and my mother who is the poster child for ignorance is bliss. a big thing is this whole 'faith' issue. i can clear this up with one word.

DINOSAUR

The Flintstones was not a documentary. There are fossils dating back to about 70 million years ago. I looked into purchasing the tooth of what would be the smaller version of a T-Rex so the next time someone tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I can throw it at them.

the thing i was talking about earlier than seemed cheesy was this: i have been watching a lot of stand up comedy to help with my depression. i watched george lopez and towards the end he spoke about the american dream...something i didn't think i was capable of making happen. albeit, i am an american, the concept is still the same. i came from nothing and by nothing i'm not talking about money. at 14 i was pretty much put into foster care, and at 18 moved out alone learning lessons up until now about myself. i figured out how to take care of myself, get a job, know that college isn't for everyone, work through 2 rapes, a sexual assault, and being given a roofy, a history with drugs (yes i did them), a disability rendering me incapable of working unless i screamed at old men wearing their wives clothes telling them they were pathetic, being homeless, being verbally abused, cutting myself so hard i required stitches, and coming out of that with 35 scars.

carolyn rescued me...a woman i will forever be grateful for. she inspired me to start working for myself and that is exactly what i did. i refused to let anyone tell me who i was, that i was wrong for who i was, and that my "black faith" is what concerns people.

you know what i have...faith in humanity. more than any of you lunatic bible beaters will ever have. i believe that as a people, no matter what are background, that we can come together as one and finally accept each other for our differences.

i went from hating myself to starting a company and having employees. i took out no loans to do so and i am still in medical debt. i developed a website design business catering to the underdog and offering services to those who cannot afford them by lowering prices for those services (because i know 3 programming languages and many other trades that are INDISPENSABLE). i even did the website for the most expensive restaurant in natchitoches. they picked me. i also found my soulmate and the man of my dreams who will stand up for me but never stoop to the level someone else's husband has done and call them names, belittle them, and tell them they are worth nothing.

guess who has a business? guess whose wasted time put into art and design got her a career she STARTED FROM NOTHING? guess who knows better and knows that i am worth something...something that if it weren't for the persistence of believing in myself and ignoring every stupid word that came out of your mouth i wouldn't be where i was today.

find this in your bible





Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
...

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and out, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on